Somewhere along the line I lost track of myself and why I’m here. I apologize.
In Threes.
Its an invasion of cowboy hats. Run!
I woke up this morning and when I looked at the clock it was 3:33 AM. And it’s November the 3rd. Hmm. Strange, but not entirely random. Hmmm… I shall continue this later.
Also, I’ve been going to the gym lately. In a slightly bizarre turn of events, here i actually become thankful if i find ways to sweat. Ain’t life grand?
A Long December
October 8, 2008
22:34
Today I feel like my brain has gone south for the winter. The weather has been consistently cold, and there has already been frost on the trees and ground in the morning. The weekend is supposed to be the start of snow. So I guess, to commemorate the start of the gloomy weather, I’d make a playlist of depressing songs. The looking-out-the-window-in-the-pouring-rain-breathing-heavy-sighs type of songlist. (In a completely unrelated note, my neighbor Old Mike has knocked on my door twice asking me to turn the music down. So I went over to his house to see if I WAS making too much noise, since if I go out the door, I don’t think the music is too loud, and it wasn’t so bad, its just that the subwoofer made the whole apartment block vibrate, and the music was travelling through the walls. Old Man Mike was getting a healthy dose of heavy metal, I can tell you that. It was awesome.) Back to the topic, here’s some music to get you down.
1. Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley
A strong contender for most depressing song ever, in my opinion. Although sometimes it does get overhyped because the singer’s dead. But yeah, spooky.
2. Killing the Blues – Robert Plant/Allison Kraus
The combination of Plant and Krauss’s voices, is just amazing.
3. Dreaming with a Broken Heart/I’m Gonna find another You – John Mayer
Two Mayer songs in one, just because I think all of his (good) songs sound exactly the same.
4. Let’s Make It Up – Mick Jagger
From the Alfie movie soundtrack. I found the movie to be very depressing, about a person knowing he wasn’t a very nice person, and wanting to change but failing, and this song reminds me of the person I watched it with.
5. Damage is Done – Black Label Society
I love Zakk Wylde’s ballads. Very sensitive, but still biker-macho. Plus yeah, sometimes you want to be able to correct things, but the damage has already been done.
6. A Long December – Counting Crows
A personal favorite, and one I will probably be listening to a lot in the coming winter and December. “…The smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls…” It’s one depressing line after another.
7. Amber/Love Song – 311
Songs from 50 First Dates. A personal favorite (If you can call these that), as many memories are attached to the film, and the songs.
8. Leave – Matchbox Twenty
This would definitely be in my Top 5 most depressing songs ever, and this band has the best sad songs, in my opinion. It sucks to sometimes attach a memory to a song, as hearing it tends to bring that feeling back, and this is one of those songs.
9. Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt
Someone once told me she remembered me when she hears this song, and honestly, I was gonna say the same thing to her, but didn’t because it meant the relationship failed, and I didn’t want that. It was like a play by play on our situation, it was eerie.
10. Arms Around Your Love – Chris Cornell
An uptempo song, but depressing nonetheless. You’re just gonna have to take it.
11. One Headlight – The Wallflowers
This one I don’t get. I must have been really down when this song came out, because whenever I hear it, it just gets me so down. Another case of attaching a memory to a song, which I tend to do all to frequently.
12. Dry Your Eyes – The Streets
A good sad song is one that seems to speak to you. Something that seems like its based on your life, and I think this does it extremely well. You’d think they wrote the song after your experience.
13. Sorry – Maria Mena
Most of her songs depress me, but I chose this one because, first its the first song by her that Girlie introduced me to, and also, the line “…Grabs my wrist, as my fingers turn into angry fists, and I whisper ehy can’t you love me, I changed for you…”
14. Don’t Write Me Off – Hugh Grant
I guess I’m a sucker for the whole hopeless guy who eventually gets redemption song. Sue me.
15. He Stopped Loving Her Today – George Jones
Ahh, a country song. Nobody does depressing quite like country. A sad cowboy song blows every other sad song out of the water, I believe.
Another Letter to Mom
September 17, 2008
8:54 PM
Dear Everyone.
Hi. How is everyone there? I am doing okay, I guess. Yes, ma, I got an e-mail from Tita Gemma. Although I appreciate her wanting to send meds, there’s no need to for now. But if she insists on sending stuff over, she could pop in a couple of cans of food and clothes, that would be awesome. Haha. Tell her thanks, and I miss the times I spent in her dentist’s chair. Not. So far my tooth hasn’t bothered me for about 2 days, which is a good sign. Or maybe it just gets forgotten due to the migraines I’ve been getting. Either way, its okay. Only problem is the sutures. How am I going to get these off? I feel like frigging Franken-tooth.
Laundry? I just pop them in the washer, add soap. And wait. Voila, it’s done. Move them to the dryer, wait an hour, and they’re dry. I don’t even get my hands wet. Plus the washer in my suite is free, in the main compound its a dollar a load. So I win again. I must have done something right. Woot.
As for paying the bills, I think I can pay my credit card from the Citifinancial Bank here in town. Although I have no intent on paying my HSBC Card anymore. I advanced all the money and splurged on a jacket and a Metallica CD. Smart shopping, don’t you think? Also, if you look at my pictures on Friendster you will see that I have already done some groceries. You will be pleased to know that I bought a lot of Coca-Cola, and as little food as possible. Yup, there’s nothing you can do about it. Woo-haa. 
By the way, we were in the local paper yesterday. Small town paper, talking about all the new nurses. We’re kind of a big deal, I gather. Anywhere we go people approach us. Kind of tiring to keep saying hello to people though. And eventually it turns into hi, how are you? And then its Hi how are you, how was your weekend? Get my drift? Oh well. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to grab a copy of the paper, kasi gabi ko na nakita and I’m not going out at night. We’re living in the rough part of town, eh.
Anyway, on October 3 I think there will be a general assembly and we’re going to meet the mayor. Funny, eh? Local media will also be there, apparently. No joke. This place is so humdrum that we’re a big deal. I am already practicing giving out autographs and kissing babies.
Another funny story, one of my bosses, Lorie, told me that as she was getting my name typed up the ladies in her office were going crazy about my name. Real manly they say.. Haha. Boy, are they ever going to be disappointed. Lorie also insist on calling me Antonio instead of Anton. Oh well.
Finally, I’m planning on getting a phone here instead of getting a sim card for my phone. Nokias are really retarded, and don’t get any signal, so if I bought a sim, I might still not get any signal. Kind of makes me wish I gave my phone to Papa na lang. Anyway, I might just do that, just send it home. All it is now is a glorified alarm clock/calculator/paperweight/spoon. Okay, so maybe not a spoon.
I think thats it for now. I keep thinking about all the things to tell you about, but once I get in front of the computer, my mind goes blank. Say hi to Necy every once in a while okay? I think end of November is her tentative date. Oh by the way, I e-mailed Mama Bong and Mama Oye, but haven’t gotten a repsonse yet. Although Daniel replied thru his Blackberry. So I don’t know the status of the clothes theyre going to send me. I will try to e-mail them tomorrow after work. It’s getting really cold here already. I think to myself, if I’m freezing my butt off, and these Canadians can still walk around in shorts and slippers, imagine the sheer coldness that I’m going to feel when the Canadians start bundling up.
Hear from you soon. Bye.
Letter To Mom
September 10, 2008
Everyone.
Hi. First of all, my address: Block 4, Suite 1, 701 13th Street West, Prince Albert, SK, Canada S6V 3H2. This is where I will be staying for the next 4 months. Feel free to send money.
How are you doing there? We’ve been here for 2 days na, and everything so far has been great. The reason I haven’t mailed is because there is only one internet connection in the compound, and everyone here seems to be in an incredible hurry to contact their families down to their deceased great great grandparents. It’s a tad annoying. They spent the whole day on the payphones calling everyone. Also, yung roaming ng Globe dito gapanget. Naka roaming kami, true, but they never told us na wala halos signal. So there. Not much texting is going to happen here. Smart medyo maayos ang signal.
The trip was, to put it lightly, long. Fortunately my amazing people skills allowed me to get my group seats next to each other on the plane. First flight from Manila to Vancouver took 12 hours 35 minutes. I was not able to sleep at all due to the grueling pain my tooth is giving me. Ma, ask mo naman si Tita Gemma. It still hurts so much at times. May mga oras na sinusumpong siya. Usually in the morning. I bought a bottle of Advils na dito, and I’m afraid magkakaresistance na ako sa gamot na ito, as I drink one almost every 4 hours na. Right now, ayan, hinde masakit, pero when it acts up sobrang sakit. Continuing my story, ang hirap matulog sa eroplano. So that sucked.
We landed in Vancouver at around 2pm there, and went through immigration, which took about an hour. It was a bit nerve-racking as I was afraid of being mistaken for a terrorist. After passing through immigration, we got on the next flight which was from Vancouver to Calgary. The airports here are huge, so you can imagine the hassle of lugging around a lot of luggage from one end to the other. The flight to Calgary took about 1 hour and 20 minutes, and I actually was able to get a nap. Yun nga lang I slept through the snack. By this time, ligong-ligo na ako. Nakakapagod pa din. Hinde ka nga pagpapawisan, but it still feels icky. Temperature in Vancouver at 2pm was around 13 degrees. Kaya pa naman. When we landed in Calgary we immediately boarded the next plane, so wala masyado nangyari dun. We got to Saskatoon at around 10pm na din. Iba ang timezone ng Vancouver at Saskatoon eh. By this time, around 3-5 degrees na ang weather. Dito tatakbo ka papasok ng mga mall at tindahan para sa init, hinde sa lamig.
May welcoming party pa pagbaba namin ng plane sa Saskatoon. We were greeted by Frank, the director of the hospital and Lorie, the person we were in contact with diyan sa Philippines. With them were also some Filipinos from the community. The usual matatandang babae na may twang magsalita at may kulay ang buhok pero maitim naman. Yung mga umuuwi sa Pilipinas at nanunuod ng Wowowee. There. It was still another bus ride which was around an hour and a half to Prince Albert. The place we’re staying in is a compound owned by the Prince Albert Health Region. There are some suites occupied by some seniors, but most of them are still empty. The main compound houses around 12 people, and other smaller compounds. I’m in one of the smaller compounds, pero bigger ang rooms. Sa main compound parang room lang, dito parang condo unit na. I win. They lose. Yahoo. May provided nang groceries sa room and some toiletries. It does seem like they spent a huge amount of money on us. Yung accomodations pa lang for 4 months for 16 people is expensive na. We even asked if we can rent the places we were staying, unfortunately hinde daw talaga pwede. Some are thinking that after living here, to get a shared apartment. Siguro okay lang, pero iba pa din ang feeling living on your own. But I’ll worry about that in 4 months. Tomorrow, we have an orientation in the hospital, but we still don’t have any idea which area kami assigned or about the workload dito, which is what worries me. I’m sure may kapalit lahat ng generosity nila eh. They’ve all been very accomodating.
This morning we went out walking around the community. I noticed there were some Native American/Alaskan looking people around here, so we don’t really stick out like a sore thumb. Hinde lang kami ang brown skinned dito. Sa accent na lang kami nakikilala. The mall is basically just a shopping center, parang Greenhills, which closes at 6pm! And it doesn’t even get dark here until around 8. Most of the stores are outside, and konti lang ang laman ng mall. It’s a really small community, super probinsya talaga. Think Smallville or Ed. Ganun yung itsura nung lugar, minus the super powers, I guess. There are McDonalds, Pizza Huts and others, but we didn’t want to get lost so we didn’t venture that far. The mall is really close by, around 5 blocks away. We live near a church and a school, in the suburbs. The compound also has a night guard, Bruce. At night, you can barely see anyone on the streets, so there must be someplace that everyone goes to at night.
As for work, hopefully by tomorrow we will learn more about it. Sabi nung mga Filipinos dito tuturuan din nila kami saan magreremit and whatnot. Please, when I send money, could you also pay my credit cards, until I find out how to pay them from here. Also, yung loan ko sa Pag-Ibig at SSS. Sayang kasi malaki ang pwedeng ma-housing loan sa Pag-Ibig lalo na pag OFW. I will try to get another simcard dito once I get some money, para makatawag ng maayos diyan. But I’m also thinking of having a Smart simcard sent here, kaso baka wag na. Wala namang magtetext sakin eh.
So ayun, that’s pretty much it. Wish me luck and hopefully I don’t freeze my bits off during winter. Oh, Halloween is almost here and I plan on going trick-or-treating. Yun lang. Will talk to all of you soon, I guess. Take care and remember what I told you guys. Bye.
Notes:
1.Cats here are humongous.
2.So are the dogs.
3.It does seem like the population is getting old here. Not a lot of young people.
4.Speaking of young people, Kuya, I am still having a hard time hooking you up as the kids here look really old na and I am afraid of going to jail for soliciting a minor. Will try again some other time.
5.Food is expensive, but in big servings. (Burgers are 7 dollars!)
6.I did not bring enough pants. Shorts are nonexistent here.
Bells
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Alexander Graham Bell
A Bad Word.
I have often wondered how it is we come to the point we are now. How
what we did in the past affects where we are now. I have often figured
that the only thing worse than not knowing where everything went wrong
is knowing EXACTLY where everything went wrong. If one can pinpoint the
exact spot, the exact moment in time, where everything just went to
hell, its excruciating. Me, I’ve never been one to worry. It has been a
trait that has had it’s good days and bad days. Most days, it has
helped me shrug off a great deal of problems. On bad days, it has
prevented me from working on problems that I should have given more
time to.
I have never been the biggest proponent of fate. To believe that there
is a predetermined course our lives will take is dangerously ignorant.
But it cannot be denied that recently, the direction certain events
have been heading is strangely, well, rigid. And steering it away from
the course its taking is only proving to take a toll on me.
See, I always thought if I did a certain thing a certain way, things
would turn out different. And fate also seems to mock me by putting me
in situations where I am lead to believe that I am about to reach my
intended goal. Needless to say, I have fallen flat on my face enough
times I swear I’m getting face calluses. Yup, calluses on the face.
Now, this is in no way me posting about how much life sucks, and all
that I-hate-everything nonsense. I was doing that in high school, heck,
I must’ve foreseen emo way back then. I could be clairvoyant. But
that’s beside the point. And what is the point, exactly? That’s what
I’m about to get to. And it’s the whole point of this, ahem, blog. Yes,
it’s a blog. Im a "blogger". But see, I see it now. I understand.
Totally.
Things, they happen for a reason. It may sound like I’m contradicting
myself on the whole, believing in fate schtick, but I’m not. I just
realized that things SHOULD, and DO, happen for a reason. Everything is
just a reason for everything else. Did that make sense? It should,
because the opposite makes less sense. Why would something happen if
not for it to be a cause for something else. See? It takes an abnormal
amount of two letter words to even try to explain the latter. So the
first point wins on account of being able to use more syllables. And
yes, I’m making this up as I write.
That’s why it didn’t work out. As much as it breaks my heart, now I get
why. I used to tell myself if I changed, everything else would fall
into place, and for a while there, I really thought it was. Everything
and everyone I wanted was coming true. But somewhere along the line it
all fell through. So I thought I was doing something wrong, and I was.
I wasn’t meant to do what I wanted. To get what i wanted. Its not my
purpose. That’s why everything and everyone failed. If it didn’t, how
am I supposed to leave? Lord knows given the flimsiest reason to not go
I wouldn’t. I accept that it’s me that has to go and get us out of this
rut. I have been unknowingly preparing it for years. Failing completely
at relationships ensures less baggage when I leave, and less reason to
come back. (Although I think fate messed up on this one, really bad.)
My uncanny ability to be around at the lowest points of my recent home
life is to fuel the drive to move away. Because I sure as hell am not
leaving if it were just for me alone. It’s the reason the only good
things happening recently have all been work related. In the last 4
months, for every positive event, there were always negatives. It even
got pretty rocky, what with the abrupt "domicile relocation", as I’d
like to call it, but nothing ever affected my pending departure. It’s
as if I was being told not to bother with anything else.
So there, I got it. And to be quite honest, it’s made life a whole lot
less stressful. Knowing that you have a duty to perform for your family
may severely cramp my, say, personal hopes and dreams, but it sure
beats having to worry about planning your own life. No having to worry
about the years passing you by, or how I’m supposed to achieve
anything. Because now I get to ride on the coattails of fate. I am
simply an agent of it. I remember talking to a friend recently, and she
asked me why I wouldn’t go for what I want. Thats the answer. I can’t.
test.
test…
